How to be happier - proven methods

[John Masterson]

I like this link.  Each of the 14 methods is a link that takes you to the research behind the recommendation.

"I was curious about what what led to all this and came upon studies done by Michael Fordyce in 1977 and 1983.

He developed a system of 14 points that showed solid gains in happiness among his students:

The collected findings from all studies indicate that the program has a noticeable and perhaps long-lasting effect on happiness for the great majority of individuals exposed to it and that this effect is due to the content of the information, not merely the artifact of sensitization or expectations about happiness to which it was compared."

http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-there-a-proven-system-for-making-yourself

[I D Shukhov]

 

lower your expectations and aspirations;

People always compare what they have or what they want to be with some imagined ideal  This can be motivating, but also depressing.  Best to have simple, attainable goals if you don't want to be depressed.

[John Masterson]

lower your expectations and aspirations;

People always compare what they have or what they want to be with some imagined ideal  This can be motivating, but also depressing.  Best to have simple, attainable goals if you don't want to be depressed.

This is an important issue, worth pondering.

People will say, "But if you lower your expectations, you assure that you will be a nobody, a "loser".

In America we celebrate the "winners", the rich, the good-looking. In business culture, we look for the up and coming "winners" for promotions to levels of increasing responsibility (and higher pay).

The devastating truth about deciding to enter this "survival of the fittest" career competition is that much of it is outside of your control: if you get a new boss who just doesn't like your style, you are pretty much "capped" and probably on the way out.  Then you have to make a lateral move into another company where you "fit" better. You have to start the entire "Survivor" reality TV show path all over again with alliances and internal battles.

Who is the real "loser"?

I have come to the conclusion that it is FAR, FAR smarter to learn to get satisfaction from your own internal compass, making a basic living doing something you intrinsically enjoy.

Because if you don't, you are a slave to a pitiless external culture that will use you and spit you out.

I read that in Europe when you meet a new person, one of the first questions asked is *not* "What do you DO?" I.e., what's your career "rank"?

It is said that people over there value family, activity, and interests more than career aspirations.  Sure, there are those that embrace the American business treadmill there, I am sure. But having less of that seems more sane. 

And more in your own control.

[The Gorn]

This is an interesting set of guidelines and an interesting topic.

(f) lower your expectations and aspirations;

The problem here is that you can become accustomed to a much lower standard of performance than which you are capable.

Sometimes it requires the infliction of a bit of misery of feeling underperforming to serve as motivation.

That's where I am at personally right now.

However, labeling of people is toxic. It's not only toxic when it comes as disparagement (EG, the obvious), but it's also toxic at the upper end - bestowing someone with the mantle that they are better than everyone else breeds their complacency and arrogance.

Mostly I agree with the list and mostly I have found myself doing the things in it.

[John Masterson]

The problem here is that you can become accustomed to a much lower standard of performance than which you are capable.

Well, to examine this further, what is the ultimate measure of "performance"? Performance to what end? More external recognition? Or more internal satisfaction?

And do we confuse internal satisfaction with freedom from getting an internal "beating" for not "measuring up" to an externally applied standard?

In my case, I grew up in an extremely competitive family where the three boys had to achieve to be rewarded with parental attention and approval. Indeed, if we weren't achieving, we were pretty much ignored.

My Dad used to half-jokingly say: "what did you do today to justify your existence"?

A pretty horrible thing, when you take it literally... as I did.

As an adult now, I can see he was both accepting that idea, and maybe ruefully poking fun at it.  But as a kid, the subtle distinction was lost. I bought into it. I became an "achiever".

It was a bad idea in the way I applied it. I got lucky in business; but it could have gone very badly for factors completely outside of my control. And then I would have been down on myself. It's a two-edged sword, this buying into external approval and status.

[DarkHumour]

That 'lower your expectations' almost figures into the 'beatings will continue until morale improves' mentality. 

For the last few years prior to this job any money I didn't spend on food, shelter, or debt was a "waste".  I warped the mantra 'desire is the root of all misery' to mean that it was 'stupid' to want a better car, house, whatever.  'Happiness' could be quantified and wasn't necessary.  After a while it seemed like I was living to serve debt not living to serve myself.  I still felt like I was 'cheating' if I ate fast food too often or didn't curtail spending.  Now that I've been working again I dine out way too much (another topic) and spend money on long overdue repairs or projects.  I could pay down debt faster but the misery factor goes up and now I actually put a value on avoiding that. 

As far as my expectations I'd like to be closer to the median income for someone of my talent, not the bottom two percent.  I'm not asking for a ridiculous amount of money as I used to make nearly double what I do now.  Sadly I wonder if I have become permanently devalued and/or I will just have to get used to my salary being cut in half every ten years due to globalization, crappy employers, inflation, and other factors.   This also might be relevant to that ageism thread where you're at an employer that is stable but the technology doesn't change much so you are stuck there (e.g. like Dilbert "I'm a what? An ant-farm engineer? Sigh. I can never leave this place). 

As an exercise I was curious about how much it would cost for the wish list of 'toys' that would make me 'happy'.  No fast women, fast cars, or 60" hdtvs mind you, but the total was less than what I currently gross in a month.  So either I have dreams on a budget or I make more than I thought (when not servicing debt).

Shooting to be have bills paid off by 2013.  It's become my almost all encompasing purpose so it will be interesting to finally be out from under that yoke... and into the next one...whatever it is...  So it is kind of a race to at least have some kind of joy in between depressing financial obligations and/or have almost no overhead so an even lower wage job can pay the bills until my health fails.

DarkHumour

[benali72]

To me "lower your expectations" is a conundrum I call "the Harvard syndrome"  ... to wit...  (assume you're a high school kid)...

Should you go all out and try to get into Harvard?  If you don't try, you'll FOR SURE not get admitted.

OTOH, if you do go all out trying and not get in, then you've potentially wasted a lot of time you could have used better otherwise.

So the question is... how does one set as high as expectation as one can while still being realistic about it?

[datagirl]

I think instead of saying "lower" your expectation, one should have "realistic" expectations.  That means goals and decisions are not made in a vacuum. 

It's about knowing yourself and your personal limitations, what you can control and what you can't.  It's not that I cannot have high-reaching dreams and goals.  I just know that setting a goal of making $1 million in less than a year is unrealistic for me.  Having my happiness depend on that goal is unwise.  If, however, I had the drive, determination and a viable plan to achieve that goal, there would be nothing wrong with setting that goal.  It would be more realistic for me to lower that goal to $100,000, which is a piece of cake for some of you, but would take considerable effort (and perhaps a bit of luck) for me.  But guess what?  I can be happy at much less, so I don't push myself to go much beyond subsistence.

Happy trails to you.
-DG

[Walter Mitty]

God, grant me the serenity to bear the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

[John Masterson]

Here's the answer:

The goal is happy, enthusiastic contentment and peace enjoying what you are doing this very moment...all day.

How you get there is a function of your own controllable psychology and goals, as much as it is of external circumstance.

Yes, there are some lemons so sour that you really can't make them into lemonade, even if the self help "gurus" tell you that you can. You have to be wise and realistic.

But you'd be surprised how happy you can be if you pry away external approval (including technical or financial "status") as your motivator.

[Origisaurus]

I think instead of saying "lower" your expectation, one should have "realistic" expectations.

One of the things that cemented my contempt for "counselors" is the time when my high-school "curriculum counselor" told me to be more "realistic" - I wanted to learn Russian and French to go with the hard science I knew I needed to be an "enyneer".  I later worked it out that the school system had only 4 French teachers among 11 schools, and only one Russian teacher.  The system simply couldn't handle the demand.

The moment a "counselor" tells you to be realistic, you know that s/he has no respect for you or your abilities.  Knowing that will keep these degrading conversations to a minimum, both in length and number.

Happy trails to you.
-DG

Oh, that's an oldie! 

[datagirl]

I think instead of saying "lower" your expectation, one should have "realistic" expectations.

One of the things that cemented my contempt for "counselors" is the time when my high-school "curriculum counselor" told me to be more "realistic" - I wanted to learn Russian and French to go with the hard science I knew I needed to be an "enyneer".  I later worked it out that the school system had only 4 French teachers among 11 schools, and only one Russian teacher.  The system simply couldn't handle the demand.

The moment a "counselor" tells you to be realistic, you know that s/he has no respect for you or your abilities.  Knowing that will keep these degrading conversations to a minimum, both in length and number.

Happy trails to you.
-DG

Oh, that's an oldie! 

Well, I did essentially a double major in Music Ed. and Math Ed.  I was practically laughed out of advising, so I relate to what you are saying.  The adjustment I had to make was taking 5 years instead of the customary 4 to finish my degree with the Music Ed. teachers certification, then did another year taking multiple upper level math classes (Calculus, Number Theory, Linear Algebra) to get the Math Ed. cert.  Those were the days when NASA was recruiting for the Teachers in Space program.  I had classmates who were actively seeking those spots.  Now that's high expectations!

-DG