I don't know where this thread is going. Am I supposed to be an a-hole like the guys that you are citing?
No.
For some reason it works for everyone else but me. If the takeaway is not that, then it would be helpful to know what it is.
Well, we could go over the points one by one:
1. Write very controversial articles.
I think this is a key point. If you don't have ideas that disturb the status quo why would anybody listen to you?
You read articles by Bruce Schneier for example and every other one is controversial. Is he doing this on purpose? I don't know. But I do know that nobody will be reading an articles from security expert that tells you that he agrees 100% with the latest TSA regulations and they are making our air travel more safe.
2. Use profane language.
You have used some very colorful language in your posts and that's what made them memorable.
Just couple of sentences I took from random post:
"I was absolutely not interested in being their bitch, er, employee."
"The owners were arrogant pricks who treated their employees like shit."
And this is just very plain stuff coming from you

Do I suggest you post this under your real name? No.
However articles that show emotion and strongly held convictions make impressions on readers.
3. Make plugs for your buddies and get plugs in return.
I have had quite a few clients make positive comments about my product but for some reason I postponed asking them for testimonials because didn't want it to appear that I am providing good service just to get something back. Now it's kind of too late to ask.
I guess we should always be looking for getting mentioned on somebody's blog or magazine article.
4. Suck up to the leading authority in your area.
Is there somebody working in your area whose work you really value? Mention him in your writing and link to his web site. Maybe in the future he will reciprocate.
5. Write book(s).
This is not controversial at all.
Do you know a well known expert that does not have at least one book?